Portraits of Grace: Peter

Portraits of Grace is a snapshot into the lives of the people at King’s Cross Church. As “kingdom minded, kingdom people,” we recognize God’s work in every detail of our lives. We invite you to meet the people of our church.

Photo by Minnow Park

These past several years, I really struggled with loneliness. I think that has been a huge part of feeling the weight of ministry is just that there is a perceived expectation that people have when you become a pastor. One of the first demands are for me “die to myself” for the sake others. I grew to love and give up a lot of my personal relationship so I can devote my life to their growth and maturity. You try to love the people who God brought to you and you extend your life to them. Inviting them to your home, taking part in big milestones in their lives, and being there when times are pretty dark. But I discovered the painful reality of how disposable your relationship to them are. One minute you are pouring your time to drive in the middle of the night to cry with them, to be there when a loved one is dying or hurt, and spending hours praying for them. Then within a moment they leave with little to no notice. I am always perplexed by that. They keep in touch with other folks in the church but not you. Then you see them at a wedding and they avoid you. It is something I still struggle with. It has made me less inclined to love and give but I know that is something God is working in me and I confess, I actually have been hardened by this experience. It has really created a barricade of sorts for me because I used to be able to love very freely but now I find myself taking more and more pauses and in that, it creates a deep sense of loneliness. That is the cycle and I know that it is a vicious one. I don’t think most people know how difficult it is when people just leave. It is not about the numbers in the church it is about the friendships and how disposable you become to the people you love.